Dirty plastic bags
blend into the man;
he rests his weary feet
Dude this piece says so much in so few words. Very moving.
Do you think it might be a little stronger with the omission of “as” and the word he brought down to the third line? I know it stretches the 575 … but sometimes poetics calls for rule bending. English isn’t Japanese after all. ” He rests his weary feet” There’s just no “as” about it… they hurt! There’s a sense of exclamation in haiku that can be used to great effect. It’s a beautiful haiku… thanks for this image.
Dear Merrill – thanks for the suggestion. All I can say is, wow, you are spot on – I have made the change. I usually leave my haiku for at least a few days after writing them, so I can try to get an objective view and come up with any possible alternatives, but sometimes we really need outside input. 9 times out 10 I find that removing words adds so much more than introducing new ones… For example, as it now reads I like the legal implication/suggestion in the last line that he also “rests his case”…
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Japan through a haiku lens
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